318 Days later…

It has been 318 days since I’ve had a job. Yes, I’m a mom. Yes, that counts as a job. Yes, I have accountability and responsibility. But it has been 318 days since I have had a job. My own job. My thing. My bank account. My pay cheque. My freedom?

I think of all the things I could potentially miss, this may be the one that stands out for me. Some-one asked me earlier this week if I am happy here. I can honestly say that I am. I can also honestly say that I think I am mourning the loss of a piece of me that I never thought I’d lose. Or am I? Do I miss the sleepless nights? Do I miss the internal politics? Do I miss the deadlines? Do I miss the boy’s club? Do I miss the guilt of not attending a 10 am school tea? Do I miss family gatherings where I was on the phone with another crisis? A hundred times no!

I do miss the social aspect of it though. I miss the camaraderie and the alternative support system and genuine friendships that establish themselves when you have been in the same company for a while. I miss watching people grow, develop and flourish…i.e. I miss being a mom without the stress of, “What if I mess this up?”

And I think that sums it up. Being a mom is hard. Being a working mom is hard because you are constantly juggling work and family and the pleasure and guilt associated with both. Being a stay at home mom for me is hard because this is it. If you mess it up now there is no excuse. I have the privilege of spending the time with my kids that every working mom craves. I have the self-inflicted burden of expecting myself to get it spot on every time when the reality is that I don’t think any of us, whether its our first child or fifth child, will ever get all of perfectly right all the time.

Its been 318 days since I’ve been a stay at home mom, and here’s to many more!